Sometimes I think that walking on this path of mine is the greatest thing. And sometimes I feel the waves of life pulling me under. My life has not always been pleasant, and I have done some good deeds and I have done some bad deeds. What I am about to say is the truth. I am not a bad person but I have not always been a good person. My life has been a constant rise and fall and with every crest I felt more faith, with every depth I lost some hope. How was I to find a more peaceful existence. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to make everyone happy and feel pride. But with the past always haunting me I realized that I was doing more and more, working overtime to find a way to change the past hurts I endured and to make up for some of my own wrong doings. If I can do more in life it will go away. What I didn’t know was the power of forgiveness. The place of truth and sorrow. The surrender to what is and what was.
When I felt hurt in life I seem to think retaliation. I went to a place of full speed ahead and would shed anything and anyone that harmed me. I kept afloat by staying in flight. I did feel the pain but I chose to try and stay ahead of it as best I could. I swallowed it and from a place of sadness I plotted my course and I steamed ahead with a vengeance. The focus was me and my success. Especially after I gave birth to my boys. I was not going to let them down. I was determined that we would succeed and I was willing to run over anyone that got in the way. Life became a constant hurricane. I became callous. I said and did bad things to people who brought their struggle into my life. I was in a race to win but the finish line was nowhere on the horizon. So it never ended. The competition was infinite.
What I didn’t realize was I was attracting these people and events because I was out of balance. BALANCE~a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions. The law of attraction tells us that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts a person brings positive or negative experiences into their life. My life was so negative. I was on a quest to success. But to win what? Well I wanted things, a career, money, a home, a good car, vacations, nice clothing, successful children and more, more and more. SUCCESS~the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. I thought these things and accomplishments would bring me happiness. And I can honestly say they temporarily would. But something was missing, out of balance. I could not figure it out. Life still seemed to drown me, it was never ending, the rise the fall. The highs were amazing and the lows were defeating. Why was this happening and who knows this answer?
About eight years ago I experienced a fall so great I thought I would never recover from it, an all time low. I was failing at being and for the first time in my life I surrendered. I just couldn’t hold it together. And so my journey of healing began. I was in a place of student for the first time in my life. I was in complete submission. I was willing to admit that I am not in control of a lot of things. That life was showing me, me. I chose this life and I am creating it. I can make some decisions here at this moment that will change my destiny. It will be an endless journey freeing myself of the madness and I have a choice to heal or stay in constant crazy. And so the journey began, a human surrendering to her soul.
All the answers will come from the teacher when the student is ready. But, they come in a methodical way. As I layed in bed I prayed. Without ceasing. And soon the peace began. I was cleansed and I was feeling light. I woke up with faith and the fears were lifted. It was a moment of letting go. A release of control. I was now asking for help, I was ready to be guided. Soon life became a series of one letting go moment after another. The wave would come, sometimes I could ride it out and sometimes I plummeted. But one thing had changed, I let go emotionally to the outcomes. I no longer felt the need to win. I was doing the best I could and I was ok with it. I detached with love.
RELIEF~a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress. That was what I asked for and that is what I got. I became vulnerable and I started to listen to those who had written about similar experiences. There are many, endless books, talks and videos that have huge information on being. Things started to make sense. Allowing what is to be exactly what is and not judging it with a good or bad was a solid starting point. One moment of clarity was enough to last a good deal of time and then when my human tried to grab command, I would witness it and then surrender again. And this has been an ongoing movement to balance ever since.
Has it been perfect, absolutely not. I still have struggles with surrendering. I still make mistakes. But now that I have asked for help, I feel the pain I cause when I mess up. It is being showed to me in reflection. I can see it clearly. Has it been humbling, oh ya. The thought that comes to mind is a piece of advice my daughter-in-law gave to me. “Stay rooted in your truth and the truth of those that are doing the work to live the lifestyle you are seeking. Those are the opinions you want, the people you look up to.”
Success is no longer my goal, Authenticity is. A new way. A new journey and a new freedom that has never been so peaceful. It is no longer about perfection, it is about progress. I know I cannot fix what has been done but I know I can try and be better. And I am willing to do the work that it takes. Is the work hard, yes and no. It is a huge amount of reading and writing and more listening and less talking. But the place of madness is so much more volatile. I have to be still which is super hard for me. Motion has been my mantra. But no longer does it rule. I have to pay attention and heed. This is where the answers are. In the lull, the space where the soul resides. The witness that watches over me. My highest self, the one who knows the answers and how to guide me to them. This is how I began my healing and continue to try and stay on point. Again, I am human and I still fall, but I now notice, surrender more and dive in deeper. For there lives a greater power that I have never known before. This is the power of LOVE~an intense feeling of deep affection, and it is unconditional.